Reflections

Today as we all know marks a really somber day in our country's history. The scope of loss is unlike anything that the majority of us have ever experienced. I can still vividly remember that day, when my Mom called me and told me to turn on the TV. How I called out for my husband and then proceeded to cry and just stare, not even being able to fully take in all that was happening.

The above picture is of my youngest sister, who has autism. Now sixteen and beautiful, such a blessing and such a gift from God. When she was younger, she was a different child. Screaming, raging, yelling, biting, unable to communicate even the most basic of needs. How my mother navigated through it all and came out on the other side is a true testament to the grace and power of God, there is no other way to explain it. To see the person she is today is a beautiful example of God's love and His ability to revive and restore. Knowing that God can do that for her, needing to believe that God will do that for our family.

Remembering the days "before the kids". All the nights out late, only worrying about your own agenda. Working for a paycheck, getting accolades and thanks from co-workers. Bonuses and holiday parties. Business clothes and fancy shoes. Trading it all for sweats and food stained t-shirts. Sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion (sometimes). Frustration over spilled milk and bold faced lies. Interruptions and constant questions. Belly laughs and small smiles. Stories in bed and cereal for dinner.

Trading one type of "work" for another. Trying to remember that my previous jobs just made small changes in a short time on earth but my work at home is the stuff that legacies are made of. The work that I do now will be part of a timeline that will continue on much longer than the time I am on earth. Trying to remember that when I want to yell at the kids for making yet another mess or interrupting me while I'm on the phone. All of what I do now will not be fully realized while I am alive. I will not see the grand picture until I am in heaven. When you want immediate gratification and instant results, that is a hard pill to swallow.

Worrying and doubt. Overwhelming and uncertainty. What should "I" do? How does it need to be handled? Thinking out all the possible scenarios. Working out the "escape route". Planning and plotting. Or I could hand it over. Let go and see how it'll work out. Let the Creator handle it. He make the universe in all it's glory, so He could handle my parenting quandary, right? Why is it so easy for me to believe in all of His power, but not trust that His power will provide for me?

Wanting things to change. Waiting for a new path. Frustration over timing. Dealing with attitudes and questions. Thinking about what "others" think. Measuring myself with another's yardstick. Tiredness over cyclical issues. Trusting in His timing. Knowing that He is the one I need to please, not others. Remembering that my plan isn't always His plan. Taking comfort in the realization that He knows it all already, I don't have to. Just trying to quiet down all the noise so I can hear what He is trying to tell me.

Some reflections that I've been thinking lately. Want to share some of yours?